After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
