I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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