When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
