If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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