You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
