Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
