Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize