I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i dont even know how to be here
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize