First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
