forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
