i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
