Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
