Where did you get a picture of my penis
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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