I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We need to get me chipped asap
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
