I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
