He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
