cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
