i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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