I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
