There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
