end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
