Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you traded sex for a burrito?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
