I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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