Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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