I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
