Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
