I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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