Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
