A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
