Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Randomize
