Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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