I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
