You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
