You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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