he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
