Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
