so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
