Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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