I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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