someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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