Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
