People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just invented taco cereal.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
