Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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