I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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