I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize