i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
