My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
And then he peed in my hair
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