I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
