I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
