I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize