I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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