I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
