Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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