I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
