my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
