the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
be right there i have to get my cape
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
