ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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