I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
