I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Boobs speak an international language.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
