From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
it's like heaven, but drunker
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
