i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I deserve this hangover.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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